Boys are dumped on a desert island of physical isolation, and the only way they can find any comfort is to enter the blended space of sexual contact to get the connection they need. Which makes sexual relations a vastly more high stakes experience than it already should be.

Please, choose to be a traditional American man if that is how you want to perform masculinity, that’s fine. But it’s not the only way to be a man. There are many ways. Too many to count. And in the moment you ditch the part of the Man Box that says everyone has to be like you, you free all of us. Men, women and children. And you free yourself.

The crappy mass media narratives about men will continue. They will go on telling our sons, brothers and fathers that the way to be a man is through your wallet or your fists. Our responsibility is to add other stories and other ideas to the cultural mix. Yes, men can be tough focused warriors. But they can also be gentle and loving and playful and funny and sweet and yes, feminine. They can be healers and caregivers and poets and artists and everything else under the sun.

Not only do we men distrust others in this muddled realm of physical touch, years of shaming and judgement have left us distrusting ourselves. Did I enjoy that too much? Am I having taboo thoughts? This distrust leaves us uncertain about touching another human being unless we have established very clear rules of engagement. Often we give up and simply reduce those rules to being in a relationship.

When I see any women walking down the street, avoiding all eye contact, I feel a deep sense of empathy.

In American culture, we believe that men can never be entirely trusted in the realm of the physical.

You can’t let other people tell your stories for you, or censor you, or shame you. If you get a hint of that from someone who purports to care about you, go somewhere and rethink that relationship. Immediately. And if it continues long term, leave for good. And don’t bother looking back.

When a child loses someone or some place dear to them, you had best be ready to replace it with something warm and real, or you will haunt your child with loss.

Bullying is not some simple extension of male energy. It is not biologically inevitable. But when emotional toughness is our society’s highest valued personal trait, bullying is inevitable, because bullying is, at its base, an expression of loss, isolation, grief and jealousy. It is the rage of boys who are wracked with confusion. “What is suddenly wrong with wanting to be held, comforted and kept safe? Yesterday you held me. Today you pushed me away.

Many of the women I glance at are intentionally not looking at me. They are avoiding all eye contact, seemingly staring into some specific spot on the street that does not contain a man’s eyes. If they glance and notice I’m looking at them, they look away very quickly. What I see in that moment is someone being careful. Very very careful.